WHO ME? A LEADER?

I have always been a born follower. Once, as a third grader, I was told by the teacher to lead the boys into the schoolyard for the recess period. I lost most of them before I got out the back door. Three rascals were discovered later trying to outsmart the candy machine in the teachers’ break room.

I managed, in the Air Force, to get a job in communications where I never had more than two or three subordinates. One of them, at least, eventually learned enough to outrank me by one or two stripes.

There was the time I was with a group of airmen undergoing our annual physicals on a west coast air base. As we emerged from the base hospital one day, an officer came by. “Corporal,” he shouted, “march these men over to the mess hall.”

(March these men?? ) I hadn’t marched anybody since that third grade debacle. “Yes Sir,” I said and he returned my salute as I turned to my troops and shouted, “Fall in!” As they began to line up or whatever you call that, I remembered the mess hall was a half mile away to my right.

I also remembered how James Whitmore got his outfit’s immediate and obedient attention in that “Battle Ground” movie. I shouted as gruffly as I could manage, “Right face!” but my to-my-right mess hall was to-their-left and they’d be marching off in the wrong direction.

“Are all you guys deaf?” I growled, “About face!” and then “Forward march!” I had them moving in the right direction, but some of them were murmuring and shaking their heads. None of James Whitmore’s outfit shook their heads or murmured, not even Van Johnson.

I began shouting Whitmore’s cadence piece. “You had a good home and you LEFT. Jodie was there when you Left.” Apparently they’d all seen the movie and they joined in. I was also getting into it when one of the boys up front shouted, “Corp! You’re marching us into an excavation!”

“Stop!” I shouted. “I mean, halt!” I had to improvise. “Let’s fall out here and fall in at the mess hall. In between, if you spot the Lieutenant, shout, “Company scatter!”