EVEN THE PEAT MOSS DIED

As I sit here at the picnic table which I built with my own ten thumbs, overlooking the pale remains of what was once a promising lawn, I remember when I recently became desperate enough to seek help from the government.

That was our worst spring when even the peat moss died and I reached out to the Rutgers Department of Agriculture for advice and I somehow ended up being accused of purposely disrupting the morale of its staff .

Since my backyard is sloped, I sent separate soil samples of the upper and lower areas in case they required different treatments . In a fit of frustration I destroyed the testy reply letter, but it went something like this: “Dear Sir: While we are happy to assist New Jersey residents in their agricultural endeavors, we must remind you that this department is working with a limited budget and does not have the funds to provide this service for residents of other states or countries.

“We have therefore made only a cursory analysis of the two samples which you submitted but it is quite clear to our staff that neither sample is from this state. Regarding the sample labeled ‘Upper’, the analysts are divided in their opinions. The majority feel certain that it was recently removed from the northeastern area of the Death Valley basin in California as there are suspected minute traces of borax. Others suggest you may have submitted an earth sample from the Gobi Desert.

“While we by no means wish to indulge you in your hoax, we would appreciate your immediate reply identifying the actual source of this ‘Upper’ sample to put an end to the debates and bickering which are interfering with this department’s work schedule.

“The staff is unanimous in its opinion of the origin of your sample labeled ‘Lower’. If your friend in the Okefenokee Swamp does not already know it, you can advise him he has extremely fertile soil, but is limited in crop selection to those plants which can survive frequent inundation and intermittent alligator visitation.”

I eventually replied to this accusatory letter but could not convince the department that I had submitted valid samples from Morris County, New Jersey. The last I heard, one of the Gobi Desert faction was claiming evidence of camel droppings in my ‘Upper’ sample.

The Rutgers team may have misjudged my motives, but their analyses were very good if one ignores their geographic guesses.

On my lower patch I’ll be experimenting with rice this year and planting cactus uphill. It will still be a backyard where, on a windy day, one can be standing in mud while getting hit in the face with dust.