TRAPDOORITUS

I’m sure Medicare covers brain surgery, but I don’t want to submit to it until I’m convinced there is a proven surgical procedure to correct what I call “Trapdooritus” (TDI).

I’ve suffered with this affliction for many years. According to Google’s med sources, it might be based in the cerebellum section of my brain where a faulty trapdoor-like gray matter section springs open to immediately leak out important information that I am receiving. The only evidence I have of this is the loud “KLONK” sound I hear when I’m supposed to be memorizing someone’s recitation of important information.

I once greeted a new neighbor when I met him on our street and said, “Welcome to the neighborhood. My name’s Gene.” He smiled, we shook hands, and he said, “Glad to meet you, Gene. My name’s (KLONK).”

(I can forget a name or any other important item in an instant, or even in half an instant. ) “I didn’t quite catch your name,” I said.

He smiled and repeated his name. “(KLONK)”. It must have been an unusual name, because he spelled it. ” (KLONK-KLONK-KLONK-KLONK)”.

I got up early the next morning, peeked in his curbside mailbox and quickly wrote down his name inside my jacket where I could retrieve it quickly. That afternoon there was an unfortunate incident when I introduced him to another neighbor as “Londonfog”.

Taking verbal directions is almost impossible for TDI victims. I’ve driven several GPS robots to the brink of cyber crashes and may have altered the paths of their orbiting satellites. My best bet is getting directions the old-fashioned way, but it’s still a big gamble.

One morning I pulled up to the curb in Manhattan and leaned out to ask a policeman directions to an uptown office building. He began to politely and precisely recite the “simple” route.

“You’re really almost there,” he said. Just drive down (KLONK) street and get on the (KLONK) Drive. Follow that north to the (KLONK) Avenue exit and take that (KLONK) and a half miles east until you come to a big (KLONK). Turn (KLONK) there onto (KLONK) Plaza and you’ll soon see the building on your (KLONK). You can’t miss it.”

I thanked him and hoped I was headed in the right direction when I drove off. Late that afternoon I was rescued by forest rangers in deep woods just north of Yonkers.