TYING UP A TELEMARKETER

If you hang up on a telemarketer who ignores your Do Not Call listing he can quickly begin to search for other prey.  It would be better to waste his time, reduce the number of illegal calls he can make that day, and have a little fun while you’re at it.

“Jimminy Chimney Corp.?  Yes, we’ve had good reports on your operation. In fact my wife intended to call you.  Unfortunately she’s in the north wing at the moment and can’t be reached quickly.  I’d send the butler to fetch her, but Basil is on sabbatical now, boning up for his doctoral thesis.  However, I can give you a quick rundown on the type of service we’ll require.

“We have 14 fireplace chimneys, 15 if you count the one in the gardener’s cottage. I’m ashamed to say they’ve been neglected for several years and will need extensive repairs besides your routine cleaning.  I’d guess you’d need a ten-man crew working full time for three months to complete the job.  Of course the expense has to be considered, but we have a sizable infrastructure repair budget.”

I rattled on for 30 minutes until I thought I detected the sound of drooling on the other end.  Then I delivered the coup de grace.

“I hope you don’t find my speaker phone annoying, but it’s difficult to use our regular phone while I’m wearing this awkward straitjacket and the fellow who unties it won’t be here for an hour.  Dreadful chap. He insists on referring to our ancestral mansion as ‘the studio apartment’ “.

“If you accept the job I’d like a full report on the condition of our roofs.  Flying saucers have been landing there regularly and I’m sure there’s damage. Those Martians are so careless.  Hello, hello?”