WIFESPEAK TRANSLATIONS

I’m trying to help young men who just got married and aren’t familiar with Wifespeak which is related to, but is not technically real English, and doesn’t  usually apply to the accepted rules of reason. For instance:

The two of you are about to leave to dine with friends at a local restaurant and Herself  asks, “Is that what you’re wearing?” (Translation:  “You’re certainly not going to wear that!”)  I suggest you change into something that doesn’t have holes at the knees, doesn’t display a naughty saying or a very large number and the name of your favorite NFL running back.

She’s bought an expensive dress after agonizing over it in the store for an hour, trying it on and grilling the saleslady for her honest opinion while attempting to rationalize the outrageous price. Her question to you now as she models the dress is simply, “Do you think I look good in this?”  (Translation: “If you don’t rhapsodize over me in this beautiful dress with gushing compliments, I think I’ll cry!”) You should provide the required enthusiastic  exclamations and forget about the expensive pitching wedge you’ve had your eye on.  Tell the mother of your future children she looks gorgeous.

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning and you’re thinking about a touch football game with the guys and then a few beers afterwards to cool off while talking about the game and exchanging friendly insults.

“That sounds like a fun day for you, Sweetheart,” Herself says and then adds in Wifespeak, “I’ll be fixing the loose shudder that’s been banging in the wind or scrapping the peeling paint off the shed and then mowing the lawn before it begins to interfere with our view of the neighborhood.” (Translation:  “Your game has just been called on account of matrimony.”)

She’s just read this blog (by a guy who’s been happily married for 62 years.)  She’s not smiling right now and she asks, “Do you think this Wifespeak thing applies to us?. That wasn’t Wifespeak, pal.  Say, “No, Sweetheart.”

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