Charlie Chan glanced around the drawing room while the suspects fidgeted, each one staring accusingly at the others. “It is now very clear to this humble detective,” he said. “The murderer of Lord Throckbottom was clever, but not clever enough. The perpertrator of this almost perfect homicide was (CRUNCH, RATTLE, COUGH, COUGH, SNEEZE!) who was cleverly disguised as (BURP!)”
At this critical point in the movie, Detective Chan raised his hand to point at the culprit and the entire row of people in front of me stood up, blocking the screen. “This is where we all came in, Ethel” One of them remarked.
I often break into tears watching a movie, but it’s not because of the story. It’s the audience. What with the talkers, the coughers, the sneezers, the loud popcorn and (believe it or not) celery snackers, I rarely get to capture all the dialogue or understand what’s happening on the screen.
It wasn’t until I saw “The Grapes of Wrath” again on television that I realized it wasn’t about a violent labor strike at a winery. I also missed much of a rerun of my favorite movie, “Drums Along the Mohawk” when the man sitting next to me, chewing on his Big Burger, lost his upper plate and spent a lot of time scrambling under our seats while the Mohawks were climbing into the fort.
There was the guy who plopped down in front of me during a “Rocky” movie. He either had a severe spinal condition or very tight shorts, because he bobbed and weaved with Rocky for 15 rounds and I had to twist and stretch to see the match. When the lights came on I was so exhausted an usher had to help me up the aisle like a defeatedl heavyweight.
Snacking at the movies is a time-honored tradition and need not cause distraction. But the couple in front of me last week must have not eaten for a month. The popcorn, the candy bars, the donuts were all washed down with a half gallon of root beer and they accomplished all this in under ten minutes. I felt like I was watching PacMan. And, between the candy and the root beer, I missed Superman’s dramatic rescue of Lois Lane.
Noisy eaters are the worst. Without realizing it they can add confusing sound effects to the movie. A potato chip snacker spoiled “Gone With the Wind” for me. During a love scene I thought I heard Clark Gable break Vivien Leigh’s back and when he carried her up the stairs I thought she was dead.
Audience laughter can be contagious and help us enjoy comedy even more. But the jolliest laughter I ever heard was from the gaunt, hatchet-faced old guy sitting next to me who really enjoyed the shower scene in “Psycho.” I bought a heavy sliding bolt bathroom door lock that day.
When you overhear a phrase like, “Oh, I saw this movie. You’re going to love it!” Move to a distant seat immediately or you’ll be hearing phrases like, “Now watch this. Watch, watch! He’s got a gun and he’s going to use it!” and “She’s not as innocent as she pretends to be.” Why do these spoilers think they’re helpful?
As a kid I was happily squirming through a monster movie comedy when the two-headed beast broke out of his cell. A nearby woman screamed and I scrambled under my seat, missing an important scene. To this day I don’t know if the beast grabbed Abbot or Costello.
However, the worst audience-ruining experience I ever had was during a 3-D movie where scary objects seemed to be flying out over the audience. Suddenly, I felt an icy cold hand on my head and I thought,”They’ve gone much too far!” But then I heard a woman saying, “This is our row, Steven. I remember we were six bald heads from the back.”
Imagine That 